I’m currently trying a new format for my weekly blogs as unbelievably the feedback from many constituents in the last few months has been that they find my blog long and tedious. I’m not getting many Facebook ‘likes’ or shares either other than friends being polite. Creating this level of public disinterest hasn’t been my deliberate intention but I do find that padding everything out to give readers the perception of some sort of activity has been very challenging of late. Especially over Christmas where really I just ate mince pies and watched the telly most of the time.
To be honest I’ve not really done that much since either despite my Blogs getting progressively longer and longer each week. I suppose I worked out a long time ago that people only tend to read the first paragraph then just scroll down to the bottom so when they see a huge number of words flash by on the screen they assume that I naturally must have had a lot of meetings when really it’s just words and padding about places I’ve been too, private things myself and my wife have done, or some emails I might have read. I’ve even had to resort to giving readers travel tips from family holidays to fill it all out! But that’s social media for you though isn’t it? Most people are pretty daft and you don’t really have to try too hard as they only read about 10% of everything you post up so you can get away with 90% of it being pretty meaningless waffle as long as it looks like you’ve tried!
Anyway ..
As regular readers will already know – do I like to start each Saturday with a good poo. It’s a habit I have had since my school days and today is no break from such long standing routine. So I get out of bed and quickly nip downstairs to unleash the great brown eel which my bowels have been uncomfortably wrestling with since 3am this morning. I’m still on the daily packets of ‘Tums’ for my jippy tummy which certainly help but unfortunately I ran out on Thursday and haven’t had the time to pop to the Chemists to top up my supply yet.
I have always believed a good five-minute poo to be a highly therapeutic exercise. In fact I find that undertaking such a mundane and perfunctory task is often a rare chance for me to zone out and get properly mentally focussed. As such I tend to use my Saturday morning poo as almost five minutes of pure zen to prepare myself for the day ahead. I know that alternative relaxation techniques are very popular these days and I’ve often wondered whether I could franchise some sort of poo based relaxation programme which might benefit all those leading stressful lives like me. In fact I’m sure if I developed the concept enough I could probably even get a micro business grant from my own wonderful DfE. I must make a mental note! But what would I call such a process or technique? Poo-lates maybe? Anyway I digress for a moment as my mind completely zones out while attending to natures basest and most unfragrant call.
My moment of pure toilet-zen now over I get back to my feet and wander into the kitchen to make myself some breakfast. I have a runny egg and four toasty soldiers (my all time number-one favorite), and then decide to go into town with my wife to do some shopping.
For most of this year I’ve been saving up my expenses money and with the end of the tax year rapidly approaching I’m going to have to find some receipts for items of expenditure to publish online in a vane attempt to try to pretend that I’ve spent a load of money on things that are actually relevant to my job. It’s usually clothing receipts I publish as that’s easy. But I now have so many new suits and shoes clogging up the place that our bedroom looks like Mr Ben’s changing room. So today I need to go shopping for some inspiration on alternative items of plausible expenditure.
I’ve been storing up petrol too. The Reliant Rialto does about 65 mpg and I never really go anywhere outside of Onchan so I can’t possibly use enough petrol to back up the receipts that I will be publishing online so I’ve secretly been filling jerry cans every time I go past Shoprite so that I hopefully have enough receipts for petrol that I can reproduce. But it’s getting a bit silly now and my shed looks like a Manx Petroleums fuel store. However, with Brexit coming and threats of widespread fuel shortages being reported this strategy may just pay off. Maybe this is an idea I could give to Howard as he’s doing all the Brexit stuff!
With that thought at 11:00 I hop into the Rialto and we head off for town only stopping on the way to sneak another four gallons of unleaded into some jerry cans in the boot. That’s another receipt for £25 to add to the pile!
I have to say that parking the Rialto was challenging to say the least with all the work on the promenade now in full swing. I have been very vocal on the issue of business interruption in relation to the prom works in the last week or so. Not that I really care about the lack of parking, or local traders losing money, but it certainly helps me garner public sympathy in my long-term grudge against the Department of Infrastructure over commissioners rents which I am constantly getting harassed over by James and his Facebook cronies. Any chance I get to rattle their cage works for me as at some stage most of Onchan is going to work out that I’m going to achieve absolutely nothing to reduce tenants rents despite all the empty promises I have made over the years; and then I’ll probably get it in the neck big style!
We finally park the car and have a good wander around our wonderful top-class international shopping centre; but I can’t see anything to buy. I now have so many new suits, shoes, and shirts (all strictly essential for my role as MHK of course) that I can’t even summons the inspiration to window shop for things I don’t need.
Finally we go for a nice cup of tea in Costa. It was acceptable but certainly nowhere near the quality and value of Onchan’s finest Nutty Chef Café.
We drive home at 2:00 and I spent the afternoon catching up on three years worth of DIY that I have not been able to fit into my busy schedule since I became an MHK. This was one of my new year resolutions.
We go to Port Jack chippy for tea where I was pleased to see that they are now stocking cartons of Umbongo just for me as I’m such a frequent customer. It’s nice when local businesses go the extra mile for important customers.
In the evening I undertake a variety of activities including watching TV, playing with the cat and eating cheese on toast. At 10:30 I had another poo. An extravagance perhaps but a welcome opportunity for another five-minutes of toilet-zen. I go to bed around 11:00.
Usually on Sundays I head across to Elder Grange to cook Sunday Lunch for the pensioners but to be honest I’ve not reaped much recognition or reward for my granny farming in the last two years and I’m getting a little bored of the cyclical conversations about the war. They’re hardly ever on Facebook either so they’re no use for ‘likes’ and I’m beginning to think it’s a bit of a waste of effort. I doubt most will remember to vote come next election either so really I need to find a new group of people to milk now the elderly and the commissioners tenants don’t seem to be paying dividends for me.
I fancied a bacon bap for breakfast and so we ventured out to the wonderful Noa Bakery at the Market Hall in Douglas. I do like to centre all my visible entertainment spend around the Onchan economy so as we furtively enter the Market Hall I do hope that none of my constituents spot me giving patronage to anywhere other than Onchan’s truly fantastic Nutty Chef Cafe. However, the main reason we came here today is that I hear that this is one of those new cycle cafes which are now so popular and secretly I’m thinking of taking up cycling purely to mine for votes now that I’m considering ditching the elderly.
Cycling seems to be a bit like joining the Freemasons at the moment and I’m sure that joining this new and increasingly influential fraternity will help me widen my social media audience and my voter base. But some of those bikes are really expensive. I wonder if I could get away with one on expenses? That would easily burn a few grand and I could perhaps chalk it up as CueBall being environmentally aware which would hopefully go down well.
We have a bacon bap and a cup of tea each, and then I have a good peruse of all the wonderful cycles on display. I only paid £350 for the trusty Rialto and was amazed to see the cheapest bike on sale was about £1,500. That is a lot of money so it will definitely have to be expenses! I do like the feel of lycra though and after spending so much of last year riding around on my brother in laws Honda C90 moped a nice healthy (and highly visible) cycle around the village cheerily waving at people would perhaps be a great way to solicit sympathy from a wide number of Onchan voters concerned about the environment. I bet they’re more active voters than the elderly too!
We get home around 1:00 and again after attending to a few urgent emails I spend the rest of the afternoon once more catching up on three years worth of DIY that I have not been able to fit into my busy schedule.
In the evening I undertake a variety of activities including watching TV (largely catching up on the new series of Magnum PI, one of my favourite series from my youth), playing with the cat and eating cheese on toast. At 10:30 I had a poo.
I’m tempted to log on to Facebook before I go to bed but I’ve been having a social media detox of late as people seem to think I spend 24-7 on social media (which I do). To be honest I’d prefer to just focus on rebuilding my desperately flagging blog ‘likes’ and views at the moment rather than Facebook.
I went to bed at 11:00.
On Monday I rise at 7:30 and again resist going on Facebook – which is almost self defeating as I find that as a result of cutting down on my social media usage I now have several extra hours a day to fill (and to write about in my Blog)!
I have a light breakfast of toast and jam and a steaming hot mug of tea.
After my trip to Olympia the other week it’s time to plan another trip away I think; so after driving in I wander down to the Visit IOM people to find out where is next on the list for a fact finding trip. Jersey is quite popular at the moment and might be nice over the easter break if we can wangle it. I stayed at a lovely hotel last time I was there and despite me being responsible for IOM tourism I was so impressed with the hotel that I included pictures of it in a nice video that I knocked up to send out in an attempt to justify some of my rather tenuous tourism activity. Sadly that all went a bit pear-shaped though. Also a trip that will fit in with a snooker or pool tournament might be a good idea as I could probably save a few quid and nobody would ever know!
At 12:00 I get back in the Rialto and head back up the Nutty Chef for a meeting with a constituent. I do like Onchan Precinct. It’s a great way of bumping into many of Onchan’s unemployed or retired voters on any afternoon and there’s usually so few people up there they can’t avoid speaking to you!
Back in the Office for 3:00 and I print off a load of papers that I need to read before Tynwald tomorrow and I attend to a few urgent emails.
Home for tea and my wife cooks up a wonderful platter of beans on toast followed by strawberry Angel Delight. I’m glad that I had a chance to pop into the Chemist on the way back and top up on my supply of ‘Tums’ again! The beans will no doubt make my tummy very jittery later on and I don’t want to be wrestling with an inconvenient turtles head halfway through an important episode of the Professionals.
In the evening I undertake a variety of activities including watching TV (largely back-to-back episodes of the Professionals on ITV4), playing with the cat and eating cheese on toast. At 10:30 I had a poo. Once more I’m tempted to log on to Facebook before I go to bed but I resist as someone might ask me why I’m asking no questions again in Tynwald tomorrow so best let sleeping dogs lie. I went to bed at 11:00.
Tuesday starts with a lovely breakfast of runny egg and four toasty soldiers (my favourite). Today is a Tynwald day and so I need to have a good hearty breakfast to set myself up for many hours of sitting there playing with my phone and not asking any questions. These sessions go on and on and I find them very boring when you’re not really that involved in anything that’s going on. I could have asked a question on the prom I suppose, but I think its usually easier to rock up on Manx Radio and voice public criticism for cheap instant publicity directed at me rather than thinking up specific questions about things.
I also saw a comment online about why do MHKs always ask such silly questions in Tynwald and so I like to avoid asking any questions at all really as I find it easier than being criticised for anything.
It’s a long day like most Tynwald sittings.
I’m back home at around 6:30 to find that my wife had cooked a lovely tea of sausage, egg and chips which I washed down with a nice cool carton of Umbongo which I had purchased from the chippy on the way home. A simple treat after such a long day.
In the evening I deal with some urgent emails on constituency matters and undertake a variety of activities including watching TV, playing with the cat and eating cheese on toast. At 10:30 I had a poo before going to bed.
After a breakfast of crossiants and ham (very continental) on Wednesday morning I jump in the Rialto for a meeting with my DfE colleague Lawrie Hooper. Gone are the days of me angrily breaking wind outside Beecroft’s house on a Friday and I find myself finally being able to discuss things rationally with all members of the Liberal Vannin Party (well the two of them anyway as it’s more of a partnership that a party!). I’m a Ramsey boy and so I like to tip Lawrie off on the word on the street in my home town. It helps him I think as he’s just building up his local following with him being an import from lechyd da land and all that. Although I believe I am educated to a degree equivalent level, Lawrie actually has a degree which he will always find to be a bit of a disadvantage in Ramsey so its always good to talk. To be honest I think he’s secretly trying to recruit me; but that would likely only happen if I got totally desperate. Probably if nothing happens on commissioners rents that I can claim credit for and it all goes a bit Pete Tong with James when he works out that I have totally over sold my ability.
In the afternoon I attend a DeFA seminar where I luckily get to give Geoffrey Boot a few very hard stares in my best Paddington Bear style. Believe me after looking up to him for so long Barry Gibb now knows his card is well and truly marked. In fact I may well take to furiously dropping my guts outside Boot Mansions in the next few weeks if I don’t start getting treated with some respect. It is definitely not an inferiority complex that makes me feel this way either.
I’m home for tea around 6:00; a simple affair of shepherds pie and peas. No doubt at the same time as we ate Baron Boot was tucking into beluga caviar and oysters up at Boot Mansions!
In the evening I again deal with some urgent emails on constituency matters and undertake a variety of activities including watching TV, playing with the cat and eating cheese on toast. At 10:30 I had a poo. I flirt with the possibility of going on Facebook after my poo (the thought came to me as a direct result of toilet-zen I’m sure), but I decide it isn’t worth it as I have a Political Surgery on Saturday and someone would be bound to bring up something I posted on Facebook so I resist the temptation.
Thursday is the long awaited first day of the Post Office strike and over breakfast I thought that it will be interesting to see how some of my stirring behind the scenes will play out. However, I start the day by hand delivering a Valentines card to my wife in the knowledge that our trusty underpaid postman will certainly not be knocking on the door today. But things went downhill quite quickly after that with a constituent raising a matter with me via email which required me to call the DeFA to get it sorted. When I rang the DeFA switchboard to deal with this matter on my constituents behalf the telephone was answered in more than 5 rings – which I find totally unacceptable. They clearly have my number logged and are making me wait two rings longer than all other DeFA callers which is pathetic. This is no way for CueBall to be treated. This needs sorting out and I can feel yet another very hard stare coming on if I see Boot in the government canteen.
In the afternoon I attended a motorsport meeting at the Department for Enterprise in the Barrool Suite. It was a long affair where we were trying to decide how much more money we could screw out of the TT and the Festival of Motorcycling this year. The latest idea is to harvest the remains of all the road resurfacing Infrastructure is doing on the TT Course and sell off lumps of famous corners or straights for £50 each. A bit like they did with pieces of the Berlin Wall. Skelly never misses a chance to create yet more souvenirs to sell for profit! He really is the Souvenir King! Whereas I will always be the Peoples Prince!
Home for tea at 6:00 and I start reading in preparation for my Political Surgery on Saturday. You never know what questions are going to come at you so I always like to block out a day just to read up on the latest government reports and on social media posts so I can work out what the hot topics are likely to be. This gives me an excuse to go on Facebook for the first time this week! But after being back on Facebook for half an hour I had to pop a few ‘Tums’ as my tummy was really jittery from being back on social media! At 10:30 I had a rather anxious poo with all the excitement.
Friday started in a panic. At 8:30 we were awoken by sirens and could see blue flashing lights through the bedroom window. I quickly got dressed to find the fire brigade anxiously poking around my shed. Speaking with the fire officers it transpires that yesterday as part of the Post Office’s strike contingency planning we had a package delivered by one of the stand-in Post Office Managers and as I was distractedly on the phone to the DeFA when he knocked on the door our replacement postie had popped round the back and left the package in the shed. Unfortunately as he did so he was alerted to my huge petrol stockpile and reported the matter as a health and safety issue fearful of an explosion. Sadly it seems that you also need a permit from DeFA to store large amounts of petrol and I am now likely to be pursued as a fire risk and potential soil polluter. In a week where I gave Baron Boot several incredibly hard stares and have wound up the unions and workforce against the Post Office Management I have to say that this now has all the classic hallmarks of a political conspiracy against CueBall about it!
In fact this is now potentially very embarrassing indeed and is, I am 100% convinced, simply a stage managed plot by Boot and the aggressive and highly unpopular post office management team (whose Chairman is clearly envious of my enormous popularity in Onchan) to publicly embarrass poor CueBall. The quicker the troublesome Post Office is dealt with the better as far as I’m concerned – and far from this obvious fit up silencing me I will ensure that even more people receive incredibly hard stares from CueBall next week. You simply can’t trust anyone in this business!
I spent the rest of Friday trying to get through to the DeFA on the phone and yet again I found that I was treated very discourteously for several hours as I tried to sort everything out and come up with a very plausible excuse for why I had 100 jerry cans full of unleaded stored in my garden shed. I’m never going to get away with claiming all this petrol on expenses now! What on earth am I going to do with it all now?
Well that’s the end of another very busy, confusing & extremely frustrating week in the Isle of Man folks. But I won’t let any of these political plots and conspiracies get in the way of me delivering value to the voters of Onchan!
The Diary of ... a sad man ... 