Week ending 13th July

Saturday

I have a leisurely lie in following a very hectic and stressful week in which I’ve sadly been alerted to the appearance of an online Blog which seems to have been set up purely to attempt to mimic my own frequent (and much acclaimed) online chronicling. They say that imitation is the best form of flattery; but I have to say that I find this online impostor and his poor attempt to associate himself with Cueball’s widely read and well respected Blog far from funny. It’s brazen too as it seems clear that this copycat Blog is deliberately written to thoroughly bore the reader, and that the clearly fictitious ‘Rob’ character behind it is obviously attempting to create some sort of poorly constructed Cueball alter ego in an attempt to make out that a much loved and respected political chronicler like myself does very little indeed for the handsome salary he receives from the taxpayer. Which is far from true I can assure you!

In fact this dreadful rip off Blog seems to record no activity of any substance being undertaken by the writer at all; leaving the reader with the very strong impression that the fictional ‘Rob’ character does nothing each week other than read vast plies of paper which he print’s off to fill in time, and that he asks hardly any questions in Tynwald at all. 

As I lie in bed pondering this most unfortunate turn of events I resolve that over the coming week I will have to establish who this secretive impostor is before more people start believing that the desperate attention seeker is indeed Cueball. It’s bad enough having the Bishop trying to discredit me on social media after the unfortunate attempted arse kickings of the other week – but adding the feeble attempts of some Onchan upstart on top is simply taking things too far! 

Anyway I always like to start each Saturday with a good poo so at 9:30, while I ponder how I might deal with this malevolent and irritating ‘Rob’ character, I got out of bed and quickly nipped downstairs to retrieve my copy of Tony Blair’s memoirs (a wonderfully insightful book which I have been reading for most of last week). I then head back upstairs and have a thoroughly good read of Tony’s uplifting and life enhancing book while attending to natures basest and most unfragrant call.

I do like to multi task but after dropping my early morning payload over the course of a good half a chapter of the former Labour Leaders book; I unfortunately turn to notice that we have run out of Tesco Value toilet paper. This was most unsettling and left me with a very awkward dilemma to commence the day with – that being which of the 718 pages of pure Blair brilliance should I tear out in order to finish the task at hand. In the end it was a tough call but I found that seven pages from the start of Chapter Eight (covering the deliberations over the war in Kosovo) was enough to do an adequate job. 

As I got back to my feet I instantly regret that I had not simply opted to read the Telegraph like I normally do – as then the pages I would have removed in order to complete my most basic of needs would have contained less content of historical significance. But I have found it so hard to put the Blair book down as the wise words of my number-one political hero have entranced me so much.

I do hope the library won’t notice those seven pages of Chapter Eight missing and fine me! 

I have a runny egg and four toasty soldiers for breakfast (my all time favorite) and then decide to go for a nice long walk so that I can have a good think about how I might track this fictitious ‘Rob’ character down and persuade him to desist from trying to emulate me with his vastly boring and inferior Blog. 

I walk for a good few hours around our wonderful Onchan countryside reflecting yet again on more social media woes that I seem to have created for myself.

From the way his Blog is constructed it is obvious that this ‘Rob’ person is an entirely fictitious creation as the content is just so ludicrous; furthermore he deliberately seems to be using a shortened version of my christian name, Rodebrecht, as his nom-de-plume in order to suggest some sort of close affiliation with me. Which is completely untrue! But people do seem to be very gullible on social media and I’m sure some of my constituents may have already started to believe that his excruciating Blogs are indeed attributable to me and worse – that I do indeed just print off papers to read all week and have random meetings with no real agenda to them for days on end just so I have something to write about at the end of the week. 

In fact as I took the trusty moped up Prospect Hill the other day I’m sure someone cheekily shouted ‘Are you hurrying back to the printer Rob, there’s another 1,000 pages on their way!’ as I scooted past. This sort of taunt by mere association really won’t do at all! 

On my way back home I stop at an empty rural phone box and thumb through the dog-eared telephone directory inside for clues as to the potential identity of this mysterious ‘Rob’ character – but it’s impossible. From the phone book it’s clear that there are lots of Rob’s and Robert’s in Onchan; and besides it’s clearly a nom-de-plume and bound not to be his real name anyway. No doubt he shrouds his real identity from public view like some comic book Bruce Wayne – only emerging after dark with his annoying and secretive online persona to bore the population of Onchan. 

While I attempt to track this impostor down I have at least taken the precaution of issuing threats to James and the moderators of most local social media groups advising them that I will have zero tolerance if any are caught distributing these tawdry copycat Blog links. I suppose this has made me look irrationally paranoid but it had to be done. I bet though that the Bishop will be re-posting the fake Blog on the Diocese of Sodor and Man Facebook Group if he gets the chance – just to put the boot in again! 

After long hours walking round our glorious countryside I was still continuously mulling over the right tactics to deploy to track this delinquent blogger down as I arrived back home for a late lunch – which was a simple affair of ham, eggs and cheese which I washed down with a zingy can of Lilt. 

After lunch I sat down and read my way through various substantial reports which I had printed out earlier in the week and answered some urgent emails. This took most of the rest of the day. 

For tea we had sausage and chips from Port Jack chippy which required me to fire up the trusty Honda C90 and once more make my way into Onchan. As I glided round the roads of Onchan en route to Port Jack I wondered what type of vehicle this mysterious ‘Rob’ character might drive and whether it was better than my own trusty C90 moped, and also whether one of the houses I was riding past might well be the refuge of the elusive ‘Rob’ and whether he might well be sitting in there now furtively bashing out his latest boring Blog in an attempt to mimic me.

7:30 I watched Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects on ITV 

9:30 Played with the cat

10:00 Made myself some cheese on toast

10:30 Had a another poo

11:00 Went to bed

Sunday

On Sunday we slept in and I finally arose at around 10:00. Again we had a wonderful breakfast of runny egg and four toasty soldiers (my salary now ensures that we can have this treat most days). On the doorstep was my trusty friend the Sunday Telegraph which was bursting to the seams with intellectual goodness. It will take me a good few hours to wade through that but right now I’m more than a bit annoyed about this whole ‘Rob’ situation having slept on it overnight. I log on to Facebook and see that people are now openly talking about it too and joking that they can’t see the difference between Cueball and this ridiculous ‘Rob’ character whose deliberately boring Blogs apparently have Manx social media totally in stitches. 

Having checked social media as on most Sundays, at 11:30 I head across to Elder Grange to begin cooking Sunday Lunch for the pensioners. Elderly people still remain a cornerstone of my re-election strategy and it was really enjoyable to catch up with the old folk and chat through issues of concern with them over a hearty lunch. I would have liked to have stayed around for a post lunch sing song but I really have to get back home to catch up on more paperwork and to plan out how I might effectively deal with the ‘Rob’ situation. 

The paperwork took little time and so I spent the rest of afternoon doing Google research on any Rob or Robert who appeared to live in the Onchan area just in case I got lucky. But I didn’t. I have little to go on if the truth be known – which I find infuriating. 

At 6:00 we sat down and watched the BBC evening news together. For tea we had some beans on toast followed by some wonderful trifle my wife had made earlier in the day. 

7:30 I watched a few episodes of Knightrider on ITV4 

9:00 Watched Love Island (still very addictive) 

10:30 Played with the cat

11:00 Made myself some cheese on toast 

11:30 Had a poo

12:00 Went to bed 

Monday

I rise at 7:00 to work my way through the local news, Twitter and Facebook sites to update myself. There’s not much happening outside of people commenting on how boring Cueballs Blog has got now this bloke called ‘Rob’ has taken it over. 

This really is not funny in the least! My entire political career has been built around my substantial, critically acclaimed in government circles, Blog which documents in minute detail everything I do each week so that my constituents can see my workload and the substantial value I provide to the taxpayer. It’s sometimes embarrassing documenting the impromptu arrival of an inconvenient turtles head, or recording that I am properly touching cloth while meeting important dignitaries, or when I slip on dog poo while attempting to kick the Bishop up the arse –  but they are 100% truthful accounts of my week which provide refreshing transparency to all my constituents in an Island where honesty and transparency are seldom found in politics. 

This is cold hard political currency I have created from nothing and I can’t have this boring interloper muscling in with an alter ego which bores people in a feeble attempt to pass himself off as me. I had thought that all my threats to local social media sites to ban this ‘Rob’ character had been adhered to – and yet still it seems people are able to freely read his awful and inferior rip off of Cueball’s Blog. 

I have a light breakfast of toast and jam and a steaming hot mug of tea as I need to get a move on this morning as I have a question to ask in Keys tomorrow that I need to prepare for. 

However, just as I finish my toast I receive a call from an angry home owner in Ballachurry – for the sake of anonymity I shall refer to him simply as Mr Jimmy Clouseau-Corrin. Apparently his next door neighbour has been parking on the pavement outside his house for months and both the Commissioners and the Police have done nothing about it. He demanded that I come round and deal with this matter directly as he is at the end of his tether. 

I put the phone down. Even though I think this is well outside of my remit as his elected representative I still fire up the trusty Honda C90 and quickly make my way over to Ballachurry. I suppose I am at least a man in authority I said to myself as the moped swooped gracefully through Signpost corner; and people do tend to listen to men in authority so I’m sure I can help Mr Clouseau-Corrin reach a speedy resolution with his neighbour; and then get back to concentrating on tracking down the elusive ‘Rob’.

Sorting out the issue was quite straight forward in the end and the troublesome neighbour moved his car after a few authoratitive words from me as the people’s elected representative from Onchan. However as I talked to Mr Clouseau-Corrin (who disclosed that he was in fact a distant relative of James’ and of mixed Manx French ancestry) after the problem had been resolved it became clear that this random meeting had been quite fortuitous and that his work as Onchan’s only private investigator could be highly useful to me in my quest to find the troublesome ‘Rob’ whose Blog was causing me so much annoyance.

Having established a good rapport we retired to the static trailer which Mr Clouseau-Corrin kept at the bottom of his garden – and from where he apparently ran his award winning Onchan detective agency. At once I found this homely trailer set up a good indicator of likely success; especially given my avid following of the rather wonderful Rockford Files as a child as the legendary Jim Rockford himself (another childhood hero of mine) successfully ran a private detective agency from a similar trailer all those years ago. In fact in this vaguely familiar environment I instantly felt reassured that perhaps I had unwittingly discovered Onchan’s very own Jim Rockford who will surely be able to track down this ‘Rob’ character in a matter of days.

Over the course of the next hour I was able to fully appraise Clouseau-Corrin of my concerns regarding the troublesome ‘Rob’ character – and I set out how I was prepared to formally engage him for the next few days in an attempt to track down the annoying Cueball copycat. I am always transparent on how my expenses are allocated and I think that his £250 a day fee (plus expenses) is a totally justifiable expense in this context. Notwithstanding this I will be publishing a full account of my expenses in this Blog later in the year. 

Terms now agreed we shook hands and I paid him an advance fee of £750 for three days of investigative work to track ‘Rob’ down. We further agreed to a catch up meeting on Friday morning where he would follow up with me on his initial findings and conclusions. 

With this I got back on my trusty C90 and headed home to do some more Google research for myself. In fact I have to admit that I got so engrossed in the quest to find my copycat Blogger that I almost forgot that I had a question to ask in Keys tomorrow – my first in quite some time and on an issue of such national importance too. Passport fee refunds! 

Having practiced asking my one line question a few times; at 6 o’clock my wife asked me what I would like for tea as she was thinking of doing some beans on toast again. I informed her that I didn’t think this was a good idea as I will be standing to ask my question in the morning and the last thing I need is my jittery tummy providing the catalyst for another awkward and embarrassing trouser explosion (all noises in Chamber are recorded on Hansard which can prove to be very embarrassing); so we settled on egg and chips instead. 

7:30 I watched some episodes of Knightrider on ITV4

9:00 Watched Love Island 

10:00 Played with the cat

10:30 Made myself some cheese on toast 

11:00 Had a poo

11:30 Went to bed 

Tuesday 

I rise at 7:00 to work my way through the local news, Twitter and Facebook sites to update myself. There’s still not much happening outside of people commenting on how boring Cueballs Blog has got now this bloke called ‘Rob’ has taken it over. 

With the realization of this continued situation I immediately sent a message to James and to Manx Forums again to remind them of how displeased I will be if any mention of this ‘Rob’ Blog is covered on either site this week. Even though I am the most open and transparent member of Keys in absolutely every respect and like to pretend that I freely engage with social media (when I don’t); there is no way on earth that I can allow anything that might be negative to appear about me anywhere on social media at any time. 

Having fired off the emails I hastily made my way into Tynwald to ask my question of national importance. No time for breakfast today!

Tynwald went well and I was back in my office by 2:00 to print off 2,000 pages of urgent reports and briefing papers to read later on in the week. 

I have a meeting at Onchan Commissioners go to at 2:30 about an urgent dog poo strategy I have asked them to put in place after my embarrassing slippage in front of the Bishop the other week; and so at 2:00 I get back on the moped and make my way up to Onchan. I had plenty of time to get to the meeting and I have to say that my inquisitiveness got the better of me already; and so on the way up I decided to take a detour via Ballachurry to see if Clouseau-Corrin had uncovered anything about the mysterious ‘Rob’ yet. 

As I dismounted the C90 on his drive I sneaked round the side of the house to see if he was in his trailer. As I got round the back of the building I stood silently for a few seconds to get my bearings and looking down the garden towards the trailer I could see that Clouseau-Corrin was somewhat bizarrely engaged in a karate competition with an invisible foe on his lawn. It was quite compelling to watch for a few minutes as he manically kicked and chopped the air against his invisible enemy; but I have to say that it left me with some concerns as to whether I had really engaged the right private investigator for the job. The stoic, chisel-jawed, Jim Rockford wouldn’t have passed the afternoon in such a bizarre way I thought. 

I quietly disappeared back round the side of the house and got back on the C90 and rode off. I will email him later on after my meeting with the Commissioners and see where he’s got to. 

At 4:00 I’m back in the office and fire off an email to Clouseau-Corrin and anxiously wait for a reply. 

Port Jack chippy for tea tonight where at 6:00 I collect a lovely bundle of fish, chips and mushy peas (and a can of Tango) on the moped on my way home.

7:30 Watched Minder back-to-back on ITV4

9:00 Watched Love Island

10:00 Played with the cat 

10:30 Made myself some cheese on toast

11:00 Had a poo

11:30 Went to bed

Wednesday

I rise at 7:00 to work my way through the local news, Twitter and Facebook sites to update myself. There’s still not much happening outside of people commenting on how boring Cueballs Blog has got now this bloke called ‘Rob’ has taken it over. James and Manx Forums have both emailed me back promising in very reassuring terms that all is covered and that nothing by this ‘Rob’ character will make its way into the public domain while they’re on the job. That’s encouraging at least; although I must subtly threaten a few more social media administrators I think just for good measure. 

In my inbox is also an update from Clouseau-Corrin and it transpires that he does believe that he is firmly on the trail of the mysterious ‘Rob’ and he confirms that he is following up a few clues this morning and would let me know more later. 

Encouraging I thought!

Feeling somewhat upbeat after his email I have a runny egg and four toasty soldiers for breakfast and then something called a latte which I have never experienced before. It’s basically a very milky coffee. Lovely! 

I have several meetings lined up this morning. The worse of which is with the Clerk of Tynwald. Apparently the Bishop has claimed that I have been sending him anonymous emails threatening to kick him up the arse and he now wants to issue a formal restraining order on me. I deny it strenuously of course but with the Bishop being a man of the cloth it seems the Clerk just takes his word as gospel which makes things very difficult indeed. The Bishop clearly does have too much power – which is what people have been telling me all along. I hate it when people I have no intention of listening to are right!

After lunch I meet with Tourism Officers about our latest cruise liner strategy. I really do think that we should spend at least £30M on this crucial area of our visitor economy despite having no compelling evidence whatsoever on the actual economic benefits. Unfortunately for me the Officers seem quite keen to ask Chris Thomas to produce some actual data and projections on the actual money which might be generated. I hate it when actual numbers are involved in anything. They’re confusing frankly, and they never paint the picture you want to paint. Personally I prefer to wing it and just make stuff up to make me look good but Thomas seems to increasingly want to produce real data to support public spending – which I find annoying. 

Late in the afternoon Clouseau-Corrin sent me an email. He is getting close to finding out who ‘Rob’ is and he thinks that by Friday he will be in a very strong position to reveal his identity to me. Good news but I tell him that I will still call for an update tomorrow anyway. 

I got back home just in time for the News at Six and my wife offered up a lovely tea of sausage, egg and chips which I readily ate.

7:30 Watched Coronation Street 

9:00 Watched Love Island

10:00 Played with the cat 

10:30 Made myself some cheese on toast

11:00 Had a poo

11:30 Went to bed

Thursday 

I rise at 7:00 to work my way through the local news, Twitter and Facebook sites to update myself. Still the same. I do hope Mr Clouseau-Corrin does come up trumps by tomorrow. 

I have a bacon bap for breakfast and a lovely hot cup of tea. 

I’m in the office for 9:15 and spend most of the morning reading the various reports I printed off on Tuesday to keep myself abreast of all Tynwald projects and developments. In fact I did a good four hours of solid reading only breaking for a light lunch at 1:30. 

Back in the office for 2:30 I resolved to call Clouseau-Corrin for an update in advance of our pre arranged Friday meeting. I tried his phone a few times and it just rang out. I know these detective types are busy and often covertly stalking people on cases which makes answering calls tricky – but even Jim Rockford had an answer phone and that was in 1978! This really isn’t good enough for £250 a day I thought. 

Annoyed I got on the C90 and shot up to Ballachurry to see if Clouseau-Corrin might be in. Again I went round the back and from where I stood I could see him stomping awkwardly round his garden with his right foot wedged inside a bent metal waste paper bin shouting something about Rodebrecht Cueball being ‘Keyser Söze’ into his mobile phone at the top of his voice – again not a particularly encouraging sign. I was going to interrupt him but he seemed to be quite irate as he noisily stomped round in circles trying to kick the twisted bin from where it was stuck. However his voice was very loud and I did overhear from his conversation that he believed that he had tracked ‘Rob’ down and that he was going to do some reconnaissance on his house tomorrow morning and hopefully catch him in the act of writing his pitifully boring copycat Blog. 

I suppose that makes sense as he always publishes his Blog on a Friday or Saturday morning so it would make sense for a private investigator to chose that day to catch him red handed. Maybe he’s not as crazy as he looks! 

We decide to go to the Archibald Knox for tea. I have soup and a roll, and my wife has sausage and mash. We return home on the moped in time for Coronation Street.

7:30 Watched Coronation Street 

9:00 Watched Love Island

10:00 Played with the cat 

10:30 Made myself some cheese on toast

11:00 Had a poo

11:30 Went to bed

Friday 

I rise at 7:00 to work my way through the local news, Twitter and Facebook sites to update myself. Still the same – although I do hope that at the very moment I am trawling through social media this morning Clouseau-Corrin is already covertly staking the secretive and dreadful ‘Rob’ character out at his home. Well worth the £750 on expenses if that is the case! 

I decide on a full English breakfast in advance celebration of the fact that most of my largely self inflicted social media woes are hopefully coming to an end. My wife kindly obliges and we have long a leisurely breakfast and two cups of steaming hot tea each as we watch the BBC Breakfast News. Delightful! 

Suddenly I hear the letterbox abruptly rattle and assume that the postman is at the front door so I instinctively get up from the breakfast table in order to collect my post and to say a cheerful ‘hello’ to the Postie – but sadly that was not to be. As I reached the front door there was a very loud bang and the door almost got flung from its hinges as Clouseau-Corrin karate kicked his way into the hall with a crazed and angry expression on his face – much to my obvious surprise. He was highly animated and was ranting and raving about Cueball being Keyser Söze and that I had taken him for a fool for the past three days. 

He was very angry indeed! 

It was most unsettling to be honest and I had absolutely no idea what he was shouting about. In the end I’m afraid to say that there was simply no reasoning with him and I had to call the police to remove him from the house; but that didn’t stop Clouseau-Corrin first gibbering uncontrollably for a full twenty minutes that he knew that I was really ‘Rob’ and that I had deliberately set him up in an attempt to hide the fact that the terrible copycat Blog was clearly all my own work under various anonymous identities and accounts which he had uncovered. He was clearly quite mad and I have to say that I was quite relieved when the police finally arrived to take him away. He was certainly no Jim Rockford that’s for sure. Jim was always so calm and quietly assured when undertaking private investigations; not a ranting, raving, karate-kicking, lunatic! 

After they put my failed and clearly delusional private investigator in the back of the police van I felt quite shaken by it all and elected to take the rest of the day off to recover; still in total disbelief that anything quite so preposterous could have been uncovered in just three days by a private investigator who was clearly either mad or incompetent (or most likely both).

I think I will now lie low for the entire weekend and hope that this all blows over – and maybe fingers crossed perhaps my boring doppelgänger won’t decide to make an Internet appearance this week and all will be back to normal on social media. I’m sure he’ll probably get bored of his furtive mimicry one of these days and just stop .. 

Well that’s the end of another very busy, confusing & extremely frustrating week in the Isle of Man folks. But I remain positive about what next week might bring and hopefully this impostor ‘Rob’ character will be stopped for once and for all.

All times referred to are quoted in GMT unless otherwise stated. They may not be exactly accurate as my Dealz digital watch is starting to need a new battery so please allow a few minutes either side for an accurate approximation.

One thought on “Week ending 13th July

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s